that's an acceptable place to lick
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
