a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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