I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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