just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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