she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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