this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Panties = found
Randomize
