i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
