just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize