Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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