Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
