I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
