i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
