Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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