You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
