someone owes me an orgasm
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize