I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
