peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
