Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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