on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
