i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize