I'm lost and stupid without you.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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