she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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