I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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