I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
