My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
