i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
