wakey wakey hands off snakey
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
