If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
