APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
