Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
