Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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