im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
