FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize