the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
