Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
