if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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