I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
