Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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