you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you had me at cake vodka
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
