we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
