so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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