I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize