There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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