I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
