girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
