I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
A+ Viking dick
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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