I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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