a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
