NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
