Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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