Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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