kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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