In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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