I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
