She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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