The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hello my rib-scented angel!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
