If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
