True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sorry about my life...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
