she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize