It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
