New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
