I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
