Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
