Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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